and the obsession in between

berhubung agaknya asrai ga ngerti kalo cuma lewat twitter
ngga, bukan berarti gue ga bisa ngerti orang atau ga mau ngerti orang..

Mari start dari: menarik diri

gue agak merasa salah juga menyendiri, tapi dasarnya gue MALAS, seperti yang gue bilang di twitter..
Gue malas pulang sore jadi gue ga ikut main
gue malas share, kalo cuma buat dijudge atau dikata2in ya buat apa cerita bikin capek aja
gue malas mendekati/ approach.. Bukan berarti ga mau, tapi emangnya gak awkward kalo gue tiba2 mendekat join2 padahal biasanya ngga?

Dan btw gue sedang sangat malas ngapa2in selain fangirling.. Tapi gue stres sendiri karena gue tau banyak yg pengen gue kerjain, tapi ujungnya 'bangke ini kenapa gue rempong sendiri.. Yaudahlah ya besok aja'
gue stres karena mempertanyakan integritas diri sendiri

basic awalnya karena gue control freak, gue my pace-an anaknya tapi pace gue semacam lebih jumpy, gue obsesif kompulsif.

Gue sangat sensitif dalam hal per jadwal an dan per deadline-an.
Bayangkan lo mengerjakan skripsi harus sekelompok, deadline bikin sendiri kesepakatan kelompok. Lo mengejar waktu karena bentar lagi klinik dan itu sibuk sangat dan banyak hal yang blm lo persiapkan utk itu..

Iya sih deadline bikin sendiri.. Tapi lo doang yg tepat deadline seorang diri itu ngeselin loh

apa lagi kalo lo sudah mengingatkan brp hari sekali buang2 pulsa

kalo dia uda mulai ngerjain terur ngerasa ga sanggup dan bilang dari awal, gue akan maklum.
Kalo dia kasi tau dia ada kesibukan apa jadinya dia cuma punya waktu tertentu utk ngerjain, ok gue maklum

kalo gada kabar rampe hari h deadline, terus orang2 ngumpulin bilangnya 'undur aja deh besok' terur besoknya dia bilang 'aduh gue nyusul aja deh'
bukannya itu artinya dia mengurusi 'kesibukan'nya, menganggap remeh skripsi, ngerjain mepet deadline baru deh ngerasa ga sanggup

manusia itu apa deh maunya

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"lagi di-klik pak"
semacam ada bagian dari gue yang lo anggap bagus aja... uda biasa tengs.

jadi sekarang gue lagi penasaran emang gue segitu salah nadanya atau lo yang terlalu sensitip

tapi sekali lagi

semacam ada bagian dari gue yang lo anggap bagus aja

astaga gue manusia yang tumbuh tanpa sosok 'guru'. mau jadi apa gue. tengs for contributing in it.

apakah si hatred dan disrespect ini asal muasalnya cuma dari kepala gue atau emang ada sedikit banyak pengkhianatan beneran... gue gatau.

yang jelas, basically gue ga merasa lo menghandle ini dengan benar, jadi gue juga ga niat ngebenerin apa-apa kayanya.

jadi ya, kalo emang lo belum sadar... gue uda lama ga punya hati. hhhmmm... setaun mungkin?
ga sadar? terus lo ngakunya melihara? terus lo ngakunya ga pernah bohong? terus kita tinggal serumah? HAHA

Anemia is slowly killing me
now on hematology module

few days before the module started, i dreamt about having cardiac problem because of chronic anemia


and the whole lecture about anemia and everything about blood pretty much makes me hyperventilate "okay, relax, breathe in, relax it's not happening to you, it's not"

something like that... =____=# i keep on whimpering when the teacher explained about complication and patophysiology and stuff and i feel ultimately pathetic? sort of at least T.T

and i keep on being sleepy, and lethargic, and spacing out and pale and pretty much most of anemia clinical feature...

so my dad goes "go check your blood or something..."
what to check? he said he will make some referral notes about it

which highly possible to be another bluff of his

because tomorrow he will be going abroad, and no... he haven't given me anything. HA!

and i think i will have my period soon
and they will need to take my blood to check it, right?

i'm sorry i'm paranoid but seriously...

(no subject)

totally not a peaceful holiday

i still have 5 illustration to make
a call to an unknown person to make (which i keep on procrastinate because i was trying to 'steal' my dad's phone to make the call, it will be cheaper that way anyway)
then this final (hopefully) revision of my research report......

aaaaaggggggghhh research report...
i'll just put in uptodate web adress on my literature list >.<
let's list down what i need to fix:
something in chapter 2... i think i need to add some things, i'll go take a look later
somethings in chapter 3... fixing "definisi operasional" and "cara kerja" lalalalala
combining and analyzing more chapter 3 and 5....

lalalala i'll just do it tomorrow :p
i'll just do some of the illustration today huahahaha

hopefully i can make the last 3 days of this holiday productive m(_ _)m

but i'm such a hopeless fan of my bed, seriously
i just took a nap for almost 5 hours
how do i expect myself to be productive o.O

bingung dengan manusia2 yang suka mengeluhkan "aduuuh pengen deh kurus aduuuh gue uda diet ga turun-turun beratnya"

percayalah, kurang gizi ga akan membuat lo cantik
ini berdasarkan pengalaman pribadi... BMI gue turun sampe sekitar 0,5 dan gue sungguh merasa kulit gue kusam, dan mata gue cekung dan pipi gue tirus...

dan kalo lo punya kesulitan menurunkan berat badan or simply just keeping it stable itu berarti:
lo makan lebih dari yang lo perlu, a.k.a laper mata...
sangat disarankan untuk keep track on what you eat, liat lo uda makan sesuatu yang "cukup dan seimbang" belum gizinya hari itu... dan liat, sisanya itu loh si 'laper mata'.. iya gue tau lo mungkin masih merasa laper, dan gue kasi tau aja... karena lo sempet "agak gemuk" ini metabolisme lemak lo bermasalah, dan sebuah hormon pengatur rasa kenyang lo yang namanya leptin jadi bermasalah (leptin ini akan kerja kalo dia merasa deposit lemak lo cukup, btw)

so let's just say i sort of feel like being left out...

and honestly i don't even know why i shall feel that feeling of being left out..

but then when i actually think about it, no i don't think i should feel left out...

you can't say i'm wrong to enjoy life, to like people outside school more...

i'm... sort of 'not as close'? or not as friendly as how i was? well... what do you really expect when you actually nurtured and grown seeing something so ideal then witnessing how reality isn't really as gorgeous... and nor the people you thought learning with you actually absorbed and applied the principle you learned the same way you do..

/yes i was referring to the use of agenda and pretty much the whole politics

厳しいなあ俺は。。ああやばいか?わるいか?i sort of wonder..

but then tolerating things that isn't supposed to be tolerated is the start of all crimes, isn't it?

so here again... may be i don't mind not getting along so well... it's not like i'm stabbing you or the other way around...

i don't really mind not getting along, perhaps... i don't exactly get your gossips, i don't exactly get your humors... and more importantly i don't exactly see why you should be mocking about things that i love by heart...

this fandom, fangirling thingy that you keep on mocking... is what keeps me going on. what makes me want to fight and go chase for what i want.

i can't exactly describe what is it i really want to do in my life... like what kind of work will i do, or whether this major i took can actually relate to what i want to do..

but i can tell you, i'd do anything to go, be, work, and live there in japan. meet gossan. meet a husband. be a good wife. be a good parents. be a good sister.

and yeah... it's the fandom that pushes me... not you...

i kinda like people outside more than those i meet at school... well... because they like what i like... or simply can appreciate things i like...

I'm sorry if this account has become some personal complain dumpster
now where do i start?

okay... dear appetite... please come back to me... i keep on losing weight it scares me...
and i also keep on having slight fever evey couple of days or so...

yesterday i almost faint and throw up on the train when going to school... =.= so uncool...
i had to take a train back home and skipped school stuffs~
now i'm wondering whether my final research report has reached my tutor...........
i had to send it by email for my groupmate to print yesterday
and honestly, i'm having trust/relying issue -_-# i hate being sick
and now... i just got this wtf news about this woman (who is my mum's brother's wife from his 2nd marriage) cheating on my uncle for the past year and got kicked out of my grandma's house....
and that she sort of took/kidnap/whatever my cousin with her.....
damn you bitch
and the person she's been cheating with is also somebody else's husband...
WTH is wrong with that bitch =.=#
i feel like voodoo-ing her
or just cut her limbs would be fine....

 got tagged by craziedayzie 

People who have been tagged must write their answers on their journal and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.
Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.
check my answer yo..

1. Make a list of 5 things that are in reach:
mobile, netbook, flashdisk, student guidebook, lecture slides booklet

2. What is the most and least colour in your wardrobe?
Most: purple and grey i think, least: yellow?

3. What is one item of clothing you wish you could always wear?

4. Whose your childhood influence?
my grandpa, i think

5. What are you listening to right now?
not playing any music rite now

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
my little brother

7. What random song just popped in your head now?

8. What did you do today?
went to school for some discussion, do assignment then go home, downloading last week himitsu, about to do some research report

9. What was the last text message you received.
"LTM lo gangguan vestibulokoklear sama hipertensi + DM ya? cari bahan di mana?" from a friend

10. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
LJ, yahoo! mail, tumblr, mediafire? hahaha

11. What is your next big planned purchase?
saving money daily for an android phone
and buying mutual funds monthly for some retirement (or education) purpose later in life (and i'm not even 20)

12. If you could afford to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

13. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
being a resident in RSCM (i don't know what i'm gonna take though)

14. Where's your tattoo/Where would you like a tattoo?
not gonna have one, thanks. but i think i want to have my hand painted by henna like Indian women do...

15. What are you doing this weekend?
last weekend? some design thingy exam... next weekend? a meeting; and doing something for my research report

16. If you could play any musical instrument, which one would you play?

17. What's the one thing you need the most now?
appetite? i keep on having headache due to lack of eating. but i couldn't bring my self to eat. oh, and sincerity. and money.

18. Are you a creeper?
i tend to stalk people through facebook, creepy enough?

19. What is your dream job?
anaesthethician... writer... an idol manager or producer hahaha... 

20. What’s the one thing that you eat on a certain occasion (or no occasion at all) that you don’t really know why you’re doing it?
hhhhmmm....... basically i have no complain about food.
oh may be one... why does people only eat porridge for breakfast? i've been craving it for dinner for quite some time now...

now tagging people...
i think i don't know that many person on LJ natasiamarpaung asray itha  --> tag-in ya sya.... hahaha

 i lack of motivation to finish my paper that due tomorrow.

i still have to copy some notes.

i should be studying for the basic clinical skill activity.

i need to prepare some things in my brain for research session tomorrow noon, but i can't make myself move.

i'm lonely and messy and loss. damn.

let's just say i'm trying not to care about the so called psychological test i took 2 years ago that told i'm not quite that suitable for this major. HEY I'M HERE MY SCORE IS FINE, SO?

yet i feel down.

it's not that i can imagine 'what would i do if i haven't been studying here'

i couldn't even imagine what kind of person i would be without mabim, senat, kaderisasi and all...

i may not be that open or that happy-go-lucky or whatever

i don't have nor create that many friends here, too

but i'm grateful for what i got, what i have

i'm still emotionally unstable, yes i'm aware of it. at some point i fall into depression, still swimming through it perhaps.

hey ma'am... i'm perfectly aware of my problems and i'll deal with it.

i'm strong enough to.

you don't have the right to act know-it-all pointing out 'you're not capable of this' and blablabla

i managed to get B+s after some Cs. so tell you what, i will have the wisdom too somewhat.

(no subject)



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